I wonder why I never hear negatives about wearing a chastity device. Well, yes, I do read of discomfort and irritations caused by the device itself, But what I am thinking about is more along the line of dissatisfaction or disharmonies. What in the world am I talking about?!!!?
I know that there are many enjoying chastity. I also know that many of those men, are more of the submissive bent. That being the case, I can understand that the some of the men like being treated roughly, or sometimes even meanly. I read often of those who enjoy that sort of thing. Yes, but what about those of us who are NOT into humiliation? What about those of us that do not accept being dominated, demeaned, or treated badly, those of us that maintain the mutual respect and care are important and prerequisite to a solid and trusting relationship?
I am considering the effects of chastity on the man/woman dynamic of our relationship. K and I have been a very loving couple ever since we met. There were several qualities that made me fall in love with K very quickly; qualities that have always been important to me and will always be necessary.
One is touch. I am a man that loves to be touched. K did this from the very first date. We simply fell into a closeness that very night. No, it was not sex. No, our hands did not roam where some might think they shouldn't. We simply held each other. We hugged and kissed,……and touched. The way she wrapped her arms around me, the gentleness of her hands as she did caress me, the way she cuddled up to me, was all wonderful. This is what I like. This is what speaks to me, all the way down to the core of my heart.
Conversation is another quality of K. I am a talker of sorts. No, I am not one of those who must talk incessantly about anything that can pop into my mind. Rather, I really don't talk as much as most. What I mean by "I am a talker" is that when I talk, a lot of the time, it is meaningful. Now, I do lie to do my share of joking around and teasing. No, don't get me wrong. I am not a serious man with a scowl, unable to enjoy general conversation. That has its' place too. What I am really talking about is meaningful conversation. K has the ability to have intellectual and deep discussion. We have talked about many things ranging from abstract, to psychological, to emotional, to educational, to …… on and on. K can converse. She is a brilliant lady. She is well educated, having bachelors, masters, and doctorate degrees. She is actually much more formally educated that I am. I do have a good education, besides what life and experience has taught me, but no, I have no degree: I did not finish college. Regardless, I can hold my own when in and intellectual conversation. I enjoy talking with K. Because we are actually well matched in our conversational skill and intellectual depth, we can discuss anything with ease, learning from each other along the way. I must have that mental stimulation in conversation and K provides for that interaction very well.
Another is safety. Safety? Yes. Safety. I wrote in another Post about the inner child or baby of a man. That child needs to feel safe from emotional harm. Emotional safety. K''s willingness to touch, and the quality of her touch, was one of the things that evoked feelings of safety. Along with that, K being able to converse well and carefully, provided for it too. Only after a few dates, we were having a deep conversation about our pasts, our hurts, our desires, and our sensitivities. Several times K commented that she "got it", she understood how I felt and what I was trying to explain about my own heart. I was careful. I didn't want to say too much. I didn't want to reveal too much of myself. I didn't know if it was okay to open up, being that it was a new relationship and we were still learning our way with each other.
K perceived my reservations. She then held me and ever so sweetly and softly said, "You are safe, Honey." I took me aback. What! I was safe! K is very intuitive, and I was learning this. She "got it". She nailed me. One of the things I needed was safety. Safety to be who I am with her. Safety to be open to her. Safety to show her who I was on the deepest level, in the hidden inner parts of the heart: this is a place that many men will not allow anyone to see, or even know that it exists. I melted. With this simple statement, she had shown me that she understood me and was careful to handle tenderly the things I could show her about myself; as I would over time take, her on tours of those hidden places of my heart.
Those were important things to me then. Now, they are even more important. In the past, I hadn't realized just how important they were. Since I have become familiar with them, I realize that they have been labeled in my mind, giving them identity, making them tangible to my thoughts. The most important of them is safety. I can now evaluate my feelings in a new way. One of the qualities I can attribute to my emotional position is "I feel safe/I don't feel safe." This is powerful. Recognizing this gives the ability to evaluate the way I feel more easily. When I may be upset for some reason, sometimes the end result is that I realize, "I don't feel safe!" This means that I feel "shut down". I feel like I have been insulted or hurt emotionaly and am withdrawing to protect myself because of this lack of safety.
It is the classic "man response" to emotional hurt. This may often be accompanied by anger or that much despised "silent treatment". For me, I rarely get angry, in that I will become greatly agitated with the one I love. I usually keep my anger in check. I do however get quiet. I am not as conversational. I withdraw. It is not a retribution. It is simply my response from deep within. I don't feel safe. I don't feel the connection I had. I had to withdraw from my close place with the one I love because I feel attacked or injured. It is a self-protection mechanism. I hate that place. When I withdraw, I build walls. I once told K that within an instant of injury, it is possible to build a wall 100 feet high, 20 feet thick, reinforced with steel, fiberglass, kevlar, and anything else I can get my mind on, in a matter of five seconds!
Where am I going with this? Tune in later for more. Ha!